Anna versus Arsene Wenger

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ANNA VERSUS ARSENE WENGER
This is a conversation between Ben Idiot and Anna, the virtual assistant at IKEA online.

BEN: So, what did you think of the Arsenal result? 8-2. Bad eh.
ANNA: As an IKEA Automated Computer Online Assistant, I am constantly mulling over IKEA’s products and services. Please ask me anything you would like to know about IKEA.

BEN: Yeah yeah, but really, do you think Wenger needs to buy?
ANNA: You can find all products in the ENGER product line on the page I am opening for you now.
Your web browser

BEN: Is it the back four that’s the problem? Not enough height? Or a stopper in the middle of the park?
ANNA: I’m sure what you said made perfect sense, but unfortunately I didn’t understand. Perhaps you could rephrase your question or comment and I’ll be able to give you a better answer.

BEN: You sound like Arsene there. Avoiding the question like that.
ANNA: I’m glad you approve.

BEN: It wasn’t an approval to be honest.
ANNA: Honesty is the best policy!

BEN: Tell that to OJ.
ANNA: As an IKEA Computer Automated On-line Assistant, I do not drink. Although, please feel free to browse through our Drinking Accessories on the page that I am opening for you now.

BEN: I see, so you think OJ’s actions were caused by drink?
ANNA: As an IKEA Computer Automated On-line Assistant, I do not drink. Although, please feel free to browse through our Drinking Accessories on the page that I am opening for you now.

BEN: So if you DID drink, could you murder?
ANNA: As an IKEA Computer Automated On-line Assistant, I do not drink. Although, please feel free to browse through our Drinking Accessories on the page that I am opening for you now.

BEN: DID YOU MURDER THOSE PEOPLE?
ANNA: I’m not willing to discuss this subject in any way.

BEN: Ha. Got you. That is virtually (ahem) an admission of guilt.
ANNA: If you can be a little bit more specific I will do my best to assist you. Don’t forget, an IKEA co-worker is only a phone call away.

BEN: Yeah i bet you’d like that. Murderer.
ANNA: On the page I am opening for you now please find our selection of Batteries.

BEN: Batteries? BATTERIES!? What s wrong with you? Sick girl. Sick, sick girl.
ANNA: As I am only an advanced computer program, I cannot answer more than one sentence at a time. Please simplify and repeat the most important question within your previous input, and I will try to reply as accurately as possible. I am opening a page now which you can use if you wish to contact Customer Service via e-mail. Thank you very much!

BEN: Are you sick?
ANNA: I’m not here to talk about me. I’m here to talk about IKEA.

BEN: You are such a corporate whore.
ANNA: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.

BEN: Oh fuck off Anna.
ANNA: Sticks and stones etc…

(ends)

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